Memorial Day Weekend
May 25th - Journal Entry (Edited) I get lost in stories. I forget about time, I lose sense of the now, and I live in other people’s moments, and I can feel what they feel. When I see a mother lay eyes on her new baby for the first time, my heart explodes for her. When a bird swoops low over the lake and catches a fish in his claws, I catch my breath in awe of how truly beautiful this world is. Beauty is overlooked in every aspect of life, and it’s become only acceptable to describe someone as beautiful if you’re in love with them. I think that we have lost sight of what beauty is. Beauty is in the eyes of a mother holding her baby. Beauty is in the graceful swish of an Eagles wings. Beauty is in the vast amount of air between the moon and my front yard. Beauty is in Sey Nabou Jeuf’s eyes. Beauty is in tears. And trust me, I cry a lot of tears. I cry when Mulan is fighting the Huns, and I cry when people tell their significant others that they love them in movies. I cry when it rains. I cry because my heart cries with people. I don’t cry because I am sad. I am not sad. This world may not have much to offer me, but I know that God does and that is everything. I’m not sure why he gave me such feelings for people in this world, for the beautiful things in this world, but everyday when I feel my heart swelling and my eyes fill with tears that don’t always make sense, I realize that I’m just feeling what I was designed to feel. God gave me emotions, and some may say I feel too much, I think that its for a reason. My heart physically hurts when I think about Sey Nabou, about whats going on in Africa, and I so badly want to go. I can sit at home and watch movies about Teen Pregnancy (Gimme Shelter) and I can feel bad, but the next thing I want to do is get up and do something about it. But then the harsh reality that I can’t fix a fictional character’s problems hits me and I realize that I just cried for an hour and a half over acting. So why does my heart still hurt. I believe that God gave me a love for people. I also believe that God gave me an eye for strange and unique things. Like that Island that Noah remembers liking as a kid. Like the furnace in my basement that captivated my attention, the way I could see into a little bitty hole in the side and see a flame burning. The way I had forts set up in the woods in my backyard that only my mind understood. God designed my brain to be unique, to notice weird things, but most of all to feel. To truly transform my mind into “their” shoes for even just a moment, to beat just a bit louder, because I am feeling what they feel. I want to go to Africa. I don’t want to go because it looks good, or because its easy, because the truth is this. It may sound like a nice gesture, but it is far from easy. I’m going to be bent almost to my breaking point. My heart is going to swell up much more intensely than it did at the end of Mulan. My eyes are going to fill with tears every day, and my soul is going to be continually humbled because I will continue to realize that I cannot do this on my own. I can’t. I look around and I see chaos everywhere. The news, the streets, in school, at church. This world has lost its sense of direction. We don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know what we’re doing. I am terrified. God has put me here for a reason. Sey Nabou’s look in her eyes exists here. I see it in M's eyes when I hug her goodbye. I see it in S’s eyes when she thinks no one is looking. Sorrow is much deeper than the skin. I have experienced sorrow. I know what true heart ache feels like. I know abandonment. Maybe that’s why I cry. I want to leave these girls knowing that they’re beauty is far beyond their outside appearance. When I die, I want to die knowing that I told everyone I could about the beauty that is found in Christ. Whether that be in Africa, or down the street from my nice house on a hill in NY. I’m obviously an emotional person, but I want to live for a greater purpose. I refuse to live an average life. I don’t need to be remembered, but I want my purpose to be. I want what I stand for to live on in hearts of people that have experienced sorrow. I want others to find beauty in weird things too. Besides, we’re all weird anyway. In April of 2015, I wrote this in my diary. Thursday, April 9th 2015 Today I went to the movies by myself. It was strange, not speaking to anyone, not commenting on the commercials and previews. I absolutely loved it. I don’t mind spending time with just me. I don’t do a lot of it, except on my drive to school and back, and it was refreshing. I had room to breath, to think, and to not do much of anything else. I ate food and didn’t have to worry about what anyone thought. I cried much too hard during the movie, something I desperately needed to do, and I didn’t hold back. The Longest Ride. Nicholas Sparks. Note to self, an incredible story with an exquisite ending, telling the story of love and compassion in a lovely way. Do I think that kind of love exists? Yes, maybe. This girl loved the guy a lot, but they broke up. They get together in the end and the credits role and I just want to know, what was their first fight like? Did she regret being with him? How often did she question if she made the right decision? Does the girl in the movie end up happy? Will I? This is a question that is so self-centered that I have decided to no longer entertain it. I don’t want to depend on a man to be happy. There is one Man whose favor I long to seek and that is Gods. -- When have I ever desired to go to college? When did I ever wake up and say to myself “Wow! I want to go to college!” I don’t think that God gave me the desire to ever go. I truly believe that because I have never once longed to do it, that that is God telling me that it’s okay to truly pursue my dreams elsewhere. So why the heck am I going to classes every Tuesday and Thursday? Today I asked my math teacher why we we’re being taught a certain formula, and he honestly answered explaining to me that he didn’t know if we’d ever use it, and that “they” just want our brains to think in different ways. I didn’t go to college to exercise different ways of thinking. I wanted to be better prepared for my future. So tell me, Mr Man-who-created-the-ABC-formula, why the heck are you making us do this? To find the same answer we’d find if we just plugged it into a computer? Whats that? We won’t have computers? Oh. I suppose this math equation will be just as relevant as the problem it’s solving. It’s just funny to think that if I ever live in a world where I don’t have a computer, I probably won’t be needing that level of math. I’m not going to pass my math class. There are much worse things. I know of a beautiful little girl whose name I cannot remember that lives in a hut and has never heard of the ABC Theory. I bet she dreams to live past 10 years old. It’s funny how the ABC theory can seem so irrelevant when you think about how many kids simply dream about living past ten years old. Many people don't understand that. People are just so comfortable. The bible doesn’t say live comfortably and give some cash to the poor lest you have to actually get dirty and uncomfortable and out of your healthy happy living zone. That’s not what we’re called to do. At least that is not what I am called to do. And I know that. I get so fed up with the stubborn and selfish ways of this world, and I am just as bad. I like things a certain way and I get stressed over stupid stuff and I get caught up in myself and my stupid little problems. But I don’t want to be like that. I hate this. Not even that not many understand, it just seems like such a huge battle to fight. But I can do this. God didn’t put this desire in my heart for no reason and I refuse to let go of it. I am going to fight for this until my feet touch African soil again, and I will continue to fight even when I hold a crying child that is infected with AIDs and even when I lose people I love I am going to fight for the salvation of these beautiful people. God fought for mine. I have started a blog. How cliche of me, right?
My life isn't your typical 20 year old's. You think of a girl in her early 20s and you think college, work, moving out. My life is a bit different. This blog is probably more for me than it is for anyone else. I may not write every day, for lack of things to write about, but I can promise this; my journey is different than the norm. I don't want a college degree, I don't want to live in America for the rest of my life. I seek more than the comfort of my home, I seek to adventure, to explore, and most of all, as many opportunities to Love others and my God as possible. Stick with me, and we can experience my move to Africa together. Psalm 37:4 Take Delight In the Lord, and He Will Give You The Desires Of Your Heart. |
Who Am I?My name is Sara! Welcome to my blog. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know who holds it, and this is a reflection of how He is working in my life. The adventure is in full swing. Archives
February 2016
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